A Terrible Weight
by Orange H
Summary: Oneshot: Aang's nightmares lead to a late-night conversation with Katara as he finally admits the reason he's so afraid to go into the Avatar state. Lots of Aang-st. (ha, ha). Even the Avatar breaks down, sometimes. Sorry if it's a little O.O.C. - enjoy and please review!


He was everywhere – attacking, enveloping… slaughtering. Fire nation troops stood no chance against this giant water monster that was an extension of his own body, wiping out warships as easily as one would swat a fly.

The familiar glow blurred into a new scene, and his Avatar State had now enveloped him in a giant ball of air, and though he knew that he couldn't control himself when he was like this, it didn't mean his spiritual element couldn't feel the fear rolling off his new friends like waves when they saw what he was capable of – and what he might do.

Fear – Zuko's crew had felt it as well, the first time he had went into the State after being trapped in ice for a hundred years. They had no idea the power he held within himself, and he had no idea how to control it.

A final scene – more recent. A flash of brown hair disappearing beneath the ground. No air. She couldn't breathe. He was hurting her – he was hurting her. A flash of rage, transformed into a flash of blue light, and the familiar fear from the soldiers he was trying to restrain injuring, or worse.

He woke up, sweat rolling down his back between his shoulder blades as he sat up and silently tried to control his erratic breathing, putting his face in his hands, pressing into his eyes in stress so hard that he could see pictures made of dots on the insides of his eyelids, counting down from ten. When he got to one, he repeated it several times and finally swung his legs over the side of the bed in the hotel they were sleeping in and opened the door with a whoosh, silently shutting it behind him as he made his way outside.

Aang knew that he needed to walk, to release some of his nervous energy, but he didn't know the dense forest well, and not wanting to get lost, walked a couple yards into the trees and started pacing, the hands behind his back absently making small spheres of air that twirled around each other before dissipating and forming new ones.

It had been only two days since the last crazy attempt to force him into the Avatar state so that he could face the Fire Lord. Two days since Katara had been forced underground, before he had virtually destroyed the General's training grounds and infirmary. How many people had he hurt during that loss of control? How many people were worse for wear after he left than when he came, because of him?

Aang stopped pacing and sat down on a nearby log, attempting for the second time in an hour to control his breathing. Going into the Avatar State always left him exhausted, drained – but the nightmares that came from it left him even more so. He put his head in his hands and for a minute or two massaged his temples before hearing a rustle coming up to him and raising his head to see Katara coming towards him with a worried smile slightly masked by her hair.

"Hey, Katara," he said softly, voice cracking as he gave a weak smile and moved over on the log he was sitting on so that she could join him.

"Hey", she replied, and sat down next to him, and they sat in anxious but companionable silence for a minute or two before she said, "Nightmares?"

"Yeah."

"You okay?"

"Not… really. I mean, more or less, yeah. Just tired, I suppose. Hard to sleep when…" He paused.

"When?" She gently urged.

"…when you're afraid of what you'll see."

"And what do you see?" She asked, and seeing the weary expression suddenly coming over his face, hurriedly added, "If you don't mind talking about it."

Of course, he _did_ mind talking about it, but he wasn't going to leave her worrying, even if the truth was probably more worrisome than what she might assume.

"I see... I see myself, Katara." He turned his head to look at her, and she was struck with sadness at his weary face, the barely noticeable circles under his eyes premature for his age, his eyes carrying the pain of someone who has seen terrible things and carries the weight of the world - literally. He was young, for 113 - at least, he looked young, but on the nights when she found him like this, which were rare, he had the thoughts and worries of someone twice his elderly age.

"I see myself, and I'm in the Avatar State, and I can _feel _the fear rolling off of people, literally _feel _it, and I can't... I don't care, Katara. I know what I'm doing, and the reason I can't control myself is that when I'm there, when I'm at my most powerful, I can't bring myself to feel anything about what I'm doing, except that I don't want it to end." His voice grew strained, and he looked at the ground, unable to look at the girl he liked so much as he talked about his worst moments. His hands once more absently started playing with the air. "I just... I just feel power, and that's it, and I don't feel like myself anymore", he whispered. "I don't feel like Aang."

There was silence for a few moments, and then Katara gently reached for his hands to stop their nervous ritual, and Aang wasn't sure if he wanted more human contact or if it was best that he kept to himself, so he did nothing.

"Aang, you..." She sighed, at a loss for words, and he couldn't control the shame that he felt wash over him as he misinterpreted her pause as one of disappointment. "You've got this weight, a terrible - a terrible weight on your shoulders, you've got the destiny of the whole entire world on your shoulders, and you're not even - _we're _not even adults yet, and it's insane, you know?" She said softly, clutching his hand. "It's insane that we're doing this - here we are, flying around the world on a freakin' flying _bison"_, she said with a small chuckle, "while other kids our age are worrying about failing out of history class, or having a crush on a kid in class. We're battling pirates and insane generals and whole fleets of ships, and every other day we're riding giant koi or going penguin sledding. It's... confusing," she sighed. "It's confusing even for Sokka and me, and we don't even have to worry about catching up on the past hundred years or, for the most part, having to defeat the Fire Lord - I mean, the _Fire Lord_, Aang - or carrying the world's expectation that we're destined to save the world. And, you know, you do, and I think you're handling it better than anyone in the world could handle it, and I think that, for all your strengths", she said as she smiled reassuringly at him, "It's okay to have a few weaknesses."

"Thanks, Katara", Aang said gratefully, though his weary face remained. "I just..."

She waited for him as the minutes ticked on, knowing it was something hard to say.

"I'm just so afraid that I'll become who I'm fighting", he croaked out, hoarse. Katara had only ever seen Aang cry twice, despite all the stress of the world being on him - only when he found Giatsu's skeleton at the Southern Air Temple, and two days before as he desperately tried to activate what even he was afraid of as she sunk under the earth. But now, he took his hands from hers and put them over his face as he silently tried to control the tears leaking out. "I'm afraid that I'll become just like the Fire Lord, and the power will just become too tempting, and it'll just take over, and I won't be helping anyone anymore. I mean, I try not to think about it, Katara," he choked, "but that night when the Fire Nation attacked the Northern Water Tribe and I went into the State", he looked up at her desperately, "with all the ships that I sunk, _how many people do you think I killed?"_

So, that was it. Katara took his head and cradled it against her shoulder, feeling the silent sobs rack through his body and wanting so desperately to help him carry the weight he had, but knowing she couldn't, so she did her best as she hugged him to her chest and waited for the sobs to subside, and when they did, she said softly,

"It's a war, Aang. And I know it doesn't help much, but compared to the thousands of people living in the Northern Tribe, think about how many people you saved. We know that they found roughly five thousand crew members wash up afterwards, and there wasn't more than 100 ships there that night - you probably only sunk half of them, too. I'm not denying that some probably didn't make it," she looked down at him gently, "and I'm not saying that the end justifies the means, but what we're working toward is ultimately a better goal, and it's going to take sacrifices and pain to get there, but it has to be done. And the reason that you _won't _let the power overtake you," she said firmly, "is because _it's not who you are_. You're not the Fire Lord, Aang, and you never will be. You have completely different values - you care about making people happy more than you could ever care about making them bow to you, and that's what makes you the person to save the world." Unable to help herself, Katara yawned. "You're the best person I've ever met, Aang, and if there's anyone who can improve the world... it's... you..." her head slowly drooped on top of Aang's, and he lifted her up into his arms as he carried her back into the house they were staying at and tucked her into bed.

"Thank you," he said softly, and received a murmur into a pillow as a response.

He hesitated, then swiftly bent down and kissed her forehead before closing the door quietly behind him and crawling back under his own blankets, Sokka snoring obliviously next to the airbender as he tried to fall asleep.

The next morning, the night seemed to be a dream to Katara, and she would have put down the moment of weakness as such if her feet hadn't had a light layer of dirt on them when she awoke, and if her hair hadn't a leaf in it as well.


End file.
